Twilight, 11

In which; Oh look, shiny car!

Zach Snyder's Man of Steel (or, Superman: The Christ-ening) isn't a great movie, although I'd argue that it's become genuinely underrated due to some weird critical misinterpretations. But I digress. The movie gets one thing very, very right: A genuine sense of awe at the discovery that there are fucking aliens living on Earth. Pa Kent chooses to die in order to protect the secret of Kal-El's existence, believing that the world simply isn't ready for the knowledge. Late in the film, as Zod's threats echo across the globe, we get a montage of awestruck faces from a dozen cultures, the words translated into as many languages. Pa Kent was right. When the news breaks, it's a huge moment for humanity, maybe the hugest since the moon landing. There are aliens among us, and nothing will ever be the same. Snyder correctly treats the moment with respect and gravitas, and all that follows is more powerful as a result. Basically, he gives his revelation some stakes, some acknowledgement of the firestorm of a chain reaction that we know will result.

Bella Swan finds out that there is an alien in her small town, one with super-strength, functional immortality, and a genetic bias towards slaughtering humans. They talk about gym class and favorite colors. I want to punch things. Edward's smug face would be a nice start. I am unsure of why this chapter exists. It does nothing to accelerate the (non-existent) plot. We learn nothing of importance about any character. There's no development, no major hint that I've noticed. Oh, Edward's sissy drives a nice car. Bella has heard of BMW, an automaker with an average of 220,000 in annual US sales over the past decade. Her mother must be so proud.

Bella just doesn't act like a normal teenager. Actually, fuck that. She doesn't act like a rational human of any age. The chapter is offensively and agressively stupid. Young ladies, take note; If you feel a spark coming off of your date, I recommend telling him to leave the fleece at home. Otherwise, seek help. Yes, two people who want to bang sitting close to one another can often lead to bonerization (or female equivalent), but let's not pretend that there's some sort of magical love spark or whatever. I don't even know anymore….