In which there is ice, in all the wrong places.
In one of his wildly entertaining reviews of terrible movies, Roger Ebert coined the term "idiot plot" to deisgnate those pieces of fiction whose plots depend on supposedly worthwhile characters acting like fucking morons at all possible times. Allow me to present a scenario, dear reader; Imagine a school parking lot, a few minutes before the day's first class, and in it a girl, a patch of ice, a skidding van. A boy, standing perhaps thirty feet distant, notices and grabs the van before it can pancake said girl. He manuevers both objects, which are equally inert and uninteresting, all while avoiding any injury to self, girl, or driver. None of the several dozen people standing in the parking lot, all of whose heads swiveled at the sound of squealing tires and terrified screams, notices anything unusual. Um. So, clearly, they're fucking idiots. This is therefore an idiot plot. I feel ill.
Because I try to be fair between snark attacks, I say this; Stephenie Meyer is trying. She's trying really hard, you guys. Failing, but in the real world you get an A for effort, so it's all ok right? Right? Bella needs to find out, somehow, exactly why her icy asshole of a future lover is an icy asshole, and him saving her life is as good a way as any to kickstart what I'm sure will be an electrifying storyline. Actually: Just once I'd love to read a book about two people, one of them with the standard tortured / supernatural / whatever background who fall in love. Then, out of respect and a desire for honesty, the tortured one reveals all, and the couple goes about dealing with whatever shit the plot tosses at them as a cohesive team with a relationship based on mutual respect and trust. I'm sure that's exactly how Twilight will go.
Except…. Not, it won't. I know this because Edward Cullen is an asshole. He's dismissive, arrogant, entitled, and a bunch of other lovely qualities. He's a statue, marble and flawless and so very, very cold. If his unique situation prevented the answering of Bella's questions that would be one thing. But he seems determined to be as big a jackass as humanly possible instead of simply saying no. We're supposed to root for this guy? For this relationship? Perhaps there are redeeming qualities, buried deep. I hope so, but I doubt it. Eyes do not penetrate. They don't blaze. There's a childishness to the perspective on love and lust in this book, a sense of inexperience and uncertainty and deep confusion. Were I dealing with a better author I might view these as positives, an artist getting inside the mind of her innocent protagonist. But Meyer isn't a good author and this isn't that sort of book. She wants us to believe in the inevitability, the destiny of these two being together. Destiny robs choice. What are we rooting for exactly?
I continue to feel badly for Charlie, who remains the only recognizably human, sympathetic character in this shitshow. He's gruff, a bit awkward, but loves his daughter and wants only to keep her safe and happy. These are qualities to applaud. Not so much on the walking pile of superficiality that is Doctor Carlisle Cullen. He's young and pretty. Why does this make him a good doctor or a good person? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
If I simply didn't like the book, whatever. I've read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies I didn't enjoy, and there's little harm in that. But this is actively disturbing, and it's only going to get worse from what I hear. We'll see. I'll be back for Lost on Thursday. Peace out kids!
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